Koos de Boed

I believed it was my fault

When I caused a car accident in which two of my school friends lost their lives, everyone told me it wasn't my fault. After all, I hadn't done it on purpose. And that was true, but I most certainly felt guilty.

Apparently, everyone thought I was wrong to feel that way. And when everyone tells you that you're wrong, you eventually start believing that they must be right.
From that moment on, I stopped believing in and trusting myself. I shut down my feelings and emotions because, apparently, they were wrong anyway.
I carried on with my life, but from then on, it was a life dictated by the people around me rather than by myself.

The volcano erupted, and I wanted to die.

After more than 30 years, it all became too much. The pain I was feeling was unbearable, the guilt I carried had become too heavy, and the pot in which I had buried all my feelings and emotions finally exploded.
I could see only one way out, something I should perhaps have done much sooner.
I didn't deserve to live. I had no right to be alive. I simply couldn't go on living anymore.

Thanks to my sister's intervention, my first attempt to end my life was unsuccessful.
At the time, I was angry with her, but today I am incredibly grateful that she intervened and saved my life.
That doesn't mean those thoughts have disappeared. They are still there, but I have learned to manage them and live with them.

How can I help?
Through JSPYRE, I am available for keynote speeches, awareness presentations, interviews, and individual support as a buddy.

Koos de Boed
Chief Executive Officer
Suicide Prevention Centre Foundation, The Netherlands